The investigative staff at The Silver Bullet recently obtained the following secret memo being distributed among Yankees players, detailing how to deal with Roger Clemens if they seem him in the clubhouse.
• Stop, stay calm and quiet, and make no sudden moves.
• Break eye contact - do not stare in Mr. Clemens' eyes, as this is a sign of aggression.
• Stand your ground - do not turn your back on Mr. Clemens - sometimes he will bluff charge several times. Have your pepper spray ready, but do not spray unless you are sure he is close enough to spray in the face.
• Look for signs of agitation and aggression - When Mr. Clemens is standing on his hind legs, he is usually just trying to get a better look and smell of you. When he is upset he may have his ears back - he may lower his head and swing it from side to side - he may paw at the ground - he may make huffing or woofing noises - he may snap his teeth - or not show any signs at all, and just drop and charge with no warning.
• Back away slowly, speaking in a calming, monotone voice - you want to show Mr. Clemens that you are being submissive and want to get out of "his" territory. Do not turn your back and always have your pepper spray ready.
• If Mr. Clemens comes at you - spray the pepper spray aiming for his face or spray a fog out that Mr. Clemens has to run through to get to you.
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