Goodwill Towards Men

Every Monday, Tiny and I play basketball at a church in Birmingham, Michigan. The atmosphere is positive and diverse to an almost unbelievable level: thoroughbred Birmingham bluebloods mix easily with black guys from Southfield, guys in their 40's joke with kids barely out of high school, and the people that run the church seem genuinely happy to donate their court time to people who appreciate it. We used to joke that we were part of some sort of sociological experiment and they were carefully documenting our behavior, but I started to realize that Monday night basketball in Birmingham is just a perfect representation of what I love about sports. Without basketball, the 40 yr. old lawyer with the mean drop-step would probably never so much as nod at the 18 yr. old from Lathrup with the nasty crossover, and vice-versa. But with basketball, the two look forward to getting on the same team every Monday night, and working together to make sure they stay on the court. When one saw how competitive and talented the other was, they began to see eachother as allies, not as something threatening they didn't want to understand. Once everyone saw that their values on the court weren't that different, the understanding carried off the court where everyone now jokes together, bitches about work together, and discusses the merits of the Iverson trade together.

In the spirit of the season, I'd like to thank that church in Birmingham for giving everyone a chance to recognize their common values.

In the name of all that's good and holy,


somebody hold Drew Gooden down and shave that thing off the back of his head.

In the future, all written communication will be in the form of spam. Since we at The Silver Bullet are on the cutting edge of journalism, we proudly present the first ever installment of:

sport$newsspam for you vi@gra

Last night in the Ponsettia Bowl, teen golfer Terrell Owens spit on Allen Iverson while being punched in the face by Carmello Anthony, who later claimed he'd like to be the head football coach of University of Washington. When asked for comment, Kobe Bryant said, "He has no conscience."

Leaked photo: First shot of A.I. in his new Nuggets uni!

Feliz Navidad!

When the holiday gift package came into the Silver Bullet offices, Zenitram (Mexican) and Tiny (Honkey) couldn't help but put each other down racially. Hey, it's comedy gold!

Zenitram: Interesting how there are no crackers. possibly to avoid any racial insensitivity?
Tiny: Mine has a burrito, though, which is strange.
Zenitram: Hmm. Awkward.
Tiny: Yes.
Zenitram: …
Tiny: …
Tiny: Te gusta el burrito?
Zenitram: I think you might have gotten my basket. Does it have a mustache?
Tiny: Why did I get Zubaz pants with repeating hot peppers?
Tiny: My basket was supposed to have trousers. Pleated trousers.
Zenitram: Interesting. I have actually received a pair of stain defender dockers. along with beltclip ID badge extender.
Tiny: Keys to a Ford Aerostar? With a Virgin Mary keychain?
Tiny: I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS.
Zenitram: My computer just almost died.
Tiny: Siesta already? Is your computer being pulled by a donkey?
Zenitram: That is correct. It also calls me ese'. (pronounced "ehh-sayyy")
Tiny: Are their mayonnaise packets in your holiday gift basket? I need something for this dagwood sandwich...
Zenitram: Some meat would have been nice. A summer sausage, can of tuna, etc.
Tiny: Seared Atlantic salmon, grilled pheasant, taco meat...

HOLY FRIGGIN CRAP!

Iverson, 'Melo, Camby, J. R. Smith, Boykins, Najera, The Nutgrabber, Nene and eventually K-Mart sounds like a ridiculous squad to me. 3 of those dudes are better than anyone Iverson ever played with. If you're a masochist, mark January 2nd on your calender.

Eat Your Heart Out, Klosterman

So much of life comes down to cost-benefit analyses: does monogamy with a good woman one loves reconcile with sacrificing the spice of life (i), is the comfort and standard of living provided by owning a home worth the monthly mortgage payment and drastic reduction in flexibility (ii), and does the taste and satiation of adding cheese to a Slim 4 outweigh the fact that you're basically ponying up for a Turkey Tom (iii)? Since life is basically the conduction of cost-benefit analyses and subsequent enjoyment or burden thereof, decisions that would otherwise be only newsworthy often become watershed when the subject clearly weights the inputs of an elementray decision process incorrectly.

By throwing an indirectly provoked sucker punch, back-pedaling as fast as his considerably coordinated feet would allow, and finally trying to catfight away a 5'7" Nate Robinson, Carmello Anthony has ostensibly committed just such a mistake. Few events in the history of sports did more marketing damage than Melo's little MSG Hissy Fit has the potential to do. As Allen Iverson and Tiger Woods both reap big endorsement deals for their respective labors, Madison Avenue has become quite a dichotomy for sports figures. A street-tough, mercurial attitude and a puritan dedication to excellence have both become valuable personas. Melo demonstrated his lack of concern for the latter by fighting, and managed to alienate the former ( including hicks, thugs, and future frat-boys) by fighting like an extra from Blazing Saddles.

I've always been a Carmello apologist, so I'm hoping history will somehow be kind to this little transgression. The footage I saw was limited, so maybe 'Melo had a good reason for hitting the dude. Bitchslapping in support of a friend is an honorable defense indeed.

Also: Does anyone know what exactly happened when Zeke was bitchily mouthing words to 'Melo right before the fight?

The Answer
As much as I hate to agree with unabashed Celtics fan Bill Simmons, a tremendous shift is about to take place in the NBA. Judging by the impact Shaq had on the Heat, Barkley had on the Suns, and Aguire had on the Pistons, a deep run into the playoffs or a title is about to fall into a lucky team's lap, most likely the Celtics or Clippers.



I can't remember a time when someone at or near the top of the league in scoring could be bought for a bargain-basement price from one of the worst teams in the league. Rest assured, Pistons fans will miss the days of Iverson's terrible supporting cast when they're facing him and his new team in a close game. Iverson has always been a player to be feared, but move him to any other team in the league and he becomes one of the most dangerous men on wood, especially when he plays the soon to be hapless Sixers. This is already one of the worst teams in the league: they have now lost nine straight without the services of Iverson. God help them when they have to play an angry and rejuvenated AI in a different uniform.
Judging by the lack of interest from possible trade destinations, this league has forgotten what Iverson brings to the court. His crossover move on Jordan was the most palpable moment marking the decline of the best ever's career. Every little man from the NBA to the playground has been imitating him for years. He's the only player with a heart as big as Jordan or Barkley. He's the only player I'll entertain the idea of "pound for pound best player ever" against Isiah Thomas. Watch the style of a game from the late 80s and watch a game now. His impact on the league is immeasurable.
Remember when Iverson carried a ridiculously flawed Philadelphia team on his back to the NBA finals and beat the Lakers in game one? I can't explain in words how good this Laker team was. Shaq was at the prime of his career and completely healthy, while Kobe was just as physically gifted but too young to start challenging Shaq and screwing up the chemistry. Phil Jackson was coaching out of his mind, and they had yet to lose a game in the playoffs. Philadelphia was a heavy underdog. Iverson didn't even have suitable roll players, but he was too angry, too aggressive, too stubborn to lose that game.



That Iverson is coming back.

When my sister was 15, her dentist told her she was going to have to have her wisdom teeth removed. She scheduled it for the spring because she didn't want to miss any of her Girls JV Basketball season.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2695329

Zenitram and Tiny rap about the new ball:
Zenitram: Cuts?
Tiny: That's so Stern. You know what he said when people first started complaining about it?
Zenitram: "I'm David Stern, bitch." ?
Tiny: Close, "I got my hands on the ball, and I think it's great. So we're using it."
Zenitram: Maybe it wouldn't cut as much, if he stopped putting razor blades on the balls.
Zenitram: Or maybe that's his "thing."
Tiny: He couldn't care less until Steve Nash said something.
Tiny: He picked up the orange phone and caught an earful.
Zenitram: from Canada?
Zenitram: "stop messing with our MVP, aye?"
Tiny: Yes. from the Nash Bunker. (patent pending)
Zenitram: or maybe he got a call from Nelly Furtado?
Tiny: Yes. Timbaland is the Steve Nash of the music industry.
Tiny: He did my answering machine message. I won a grammy for it.

Tiny: That ball has been doing all kinds of weird crap.
Zenitram: It always looks like it falls weird in the cylinder.
Tiny: It clanks on the front of the rim, it bounces in. It goes halfway down, spins around and flies out.
Zenitram: I tried finding one at a store to get a feel, but they never have any.
Zenitram: Maybe it's a voodoo ball.
Tiny: We should buy one and sell it on ebay in 20 years for 1 million dollars.
Zenitram: or more likely, sell it on ebay in a million years for 20 dollars.
Tiny: I could really use 20 dollars. I'd use it to buy an authentic NBA ball. (offer expires 1/1/07)
Tiny: I thought Sheed's comments about it were the best. as usual.
Zenitram: which ones? there have been so many, god love him.
Zenitram: and that's what i want my daughter to get from sheed: speaking truth to power.
Zenitram: or maybe just swearing at power.
Tiny: Mark Cuban and Rasheed need to form a rebel alliance and blow up the Death Stern.
Zenitram: i think it goes without saying that dirk will play the role of "Chewbacca."


Tiny: I knew Chewbacca had been speaking Hasselhoff...

Rumor Mill: Next year's BCS rankings will be refined by adding EA Sports' NCAA Football on the Xbox 360 as 1/3 of the score, with tie-breakers determined by a deathmatch between team mascots' real-life equivalents (i.e. a wolverine vs. an alligator). Still no playoff.