BOOOOOIIIIING!!!! (FLUSH!!)

Thank god.
Please bring back Mike and Mike, you cheap CBS bastards. I've actually resorted to listening to NPR on the way to work. Somebody talk about sports for god's sake.

Big(ger) fence to be built around the Big House

Tiny: Still want Bill Martin fired?
Spider Man: If he didn't get Rich Rodriguez, he should've been fired
Tiny: But he did get Rodriguez.
Spider Man: So he saved his ass
Tiny: So he shouldn't get fired.
Spider Man: I'll give him credit for that
Tiny: He appreciates it.
Spider Man: He's still a relic
Tiny: Read this, negative-nancy.
Spider Man: Dude, i can't read any more. It's all rah rah Rodriguez. That's fine and dandy, but...
Tiny: Hater.
Spider Man: He better bring a championship within 3 years, tops.
Tiny: So, that's all he has to do? Can he bring you a toasted english muffin as well?
Spider Man: Mmm... Muffin.
Tiny: What else is there to do? A championship within 7 years is a home run for Michigan, and you want it within three years!? Give the man a chance to have a senior class, at least.
Spider Man: Urban Meyer did it in 2.
Tiny: ...and your point?
Spider Man: ...
Tiny: He has to be the best coach in the game to prove that he was worth having to wait around a couple weeks before we hired him?
Spider Man: Yes.
Tiny: You crazy.
Spider Man: My ear hurts.
Spider Man: There's a zit in my left ear :(
Tiny: Ouch. Those are the worst.
Spider Man: Big ouchie
Tiny: You still crazy.
Spider Man: You just want to say I hate hispanic people, right?
Spider Man: Well, fine!!
Spider Man: I HATE MEXICAN PEOPLE!
Tiny: THERE it is.

Joel Zumaya breaks hand in 7 places answering Iphone

J.R.R. Tolkien's New Admission: Gandalf is gay



This just in: Guy who wrote Arthurian legends says, 'Merlin is gay'



Breaking news: Wizards' Logo is gay

Sing Along!!!



I know you know the words:

"All the little chicks with the crimson lips go
Cleveland chokes! Cleveland chokes!
Livin' in sin with a safety pin,
Cleveland chokes! Cleveland chokes!"

Thanks Cleveland. It's good to know that some things never change!

Phillies Win Division, Shoot Porn Video

Sometimes I get to thinking that Simmons is a total moron that couldn't get any dumber;

then he goes writing something like this...and Totally Redeems Himself.
http://proxy.espn.go.com/espn/page2/blog/index?name=simmons&entryDate=20070926&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab2pos2

2 Notes:

1) I watched Kirilenko play live early in 2006 and Simmons is right; he is incredible. He flew around the court, affected most plays, and instructed his teammates like a conductor. Extremely underrated and he needs to get off that team

2) Old Billy has no clue how much Sheed would help Phoenix. He doesn't need the ball (a big plus for a stacked Phoenix team), is the only player in the league that can guard Duncan (Phoenix's biggest obstacle to the finals), and his biggest weakness (being a headcase that only tries occasionally) would be mitigated by D'Antoni and his considerable juice. For the record, I think Marion is a really good defender but his offense is severely overrated. Sheed for Marion would be a bad move for the Pistons.

Eddie Griffin Totally Ruins Joke by Dying in Fiery Crash

Blogger's dream Eddie Griffin (the former NBA player, not the "actor") was identified as the man who died in a train accident last week at the age of 25. We'll miss your regular fights with teammates, your abuse and attempted shooting of exgirlfriends, and your fondness for driving while masturbating, but most of all, we'll miss your laughter and your smile. Oh Eddie, we hardly knew you... ever played any actual basketball.

Ain't No Valley Low Enough

According to Wikipedia, in 1970 Marvin Gaye was so depressed after the death of Tammi Terrell, he actually tried out for the Detroit Lions.

Get Hyphy

This list of baseball entrance music on wikipedia just killed a good part of my day.
Highlights include:


Bobby Crosby of the Oakland Athletics, who stares down pitchers to "Larger Than Life" by the Backstreet Boys,


Brandon Webb of the Arizona Diamondbacks who somehow comes out to "Jam On It" by Newcleus, making him my new favorite player,


and the odd paradox of L.A. Dodger Luis Gonzalez who chooses between "Givin the Dog a Bone" by AC/DC and "Get'cha Head in the Game" from the High School Musical, probably based on whether or not there are any women in the stadium.
There's also a nice list of extra fun players at the bottom who request that no music be played for them, as well as the fact that John Rocker was personally asked by Twisted Sister not to use their song, since he is a jack-ass. However, the band personally responsible for the collapse of the Berlin Wall, The Scorpions, seem cool with it.

Marlon Byrd Hits 24th Career Home Run



Marlon Byrd raised both arms over his head like a prize fighter in victory, fists clenched -- and then he took off.

It was over at long last.

Byrd hit No. 24 Tuesday night, and hammered home that very point.

"I knew I hit it," Byrd said. "I knew I got it. I was like, phew, finally."

Later, he firmly and flatly rejected any suggestion that this milestone was stained by steroids.

"This record is not tainted at all. At all. Period," Byrd said.

"What, this old thing? I bet you say that to all the ball players."

Rodney Stuckey is Fwee!

It's my birthday, mommies!

Arron Afflalo is Hot!

Hello Ladies!

Charlie Weis Loses Suit

A Jury in Boston found against Charlie Weis' claim that 2 doctors botched his gastric bypass surgery. I'm guessing that the judge found the appearance of Weis' pleated abdomen 'prejudicial', or he could be coaching Notre Dame for free.

Tim Donaghy Sentenced to Ass Wooping by Rasheed Wallace

NBA Fans were stunned today upon hearing that David Stern's swift punishment of Tim Donaghy for allegedly fixing games was to be a brutal beating at the hands of Rasheed Wallace. Stern managed to pause briefly from his ample workload planning wardrobes for NBA players this following season to punish the official after consulting with his entourage for a 4 minute session.
"Rasheed Wallace has stated publicly that he is willing to repeatedly punch any referee in the face who steps out of line." stated Stern publicly, while dribbling multiple polycarbonate basketballs through an obstacle course he had devised out of cones and cardboard cut-outs of Raja Bell. "Mr. Wallace, the NBA needs you now more than ever."
"I'm about to woop his monkey ass." Rasheed Wallace spoke from his greater Detroit home earlier today. "He cost me about 1.6 Mil', and I'ma take it out HIS ASS."
Donaghy's statement could not be discerned through intense sobbing.

The Devil Has Many Faces

BURN!

Gil Thorp
July 13, 2007

Shimmy Shimmy Ya!

Heard 2 good jokes about Antoine Walker's house getting robbed yesterday. One was on the Sportsguy's web chat:

Eric (Raleigh, NC): How did Antonie Walker prevent the robber from getting a shot off?

Bill Simmons: (12:53 PM ET ) Now THAT is a good joke.

The other was on Pardon the Interruption, where Dan Le Batard asked whether or not the burglars were Pat Riley and Randy Pfund demanding some of the money back from Toine's ridiculous salary.

Obligatory "Sorry About the Lack of Posts" Post



Nope. Not gonna happen. We're no right-wing apologists. Instead, we'll post google image searches of tough-talking republican sayings. IN YOUR FACE, LIBERAL HOMOS.
Honestly, most of the Silver Bullet staff are on some sort of vacation and the only things happening in sports involve home run derbies and tennis. When something happens, we'll let you know. In the mean-time, please enjoy this video from the captain of mailing it in.

Toughest Job Ever

Apparantly, the Piston's director of player personnel Scott Perry has left town for the Sonics. How could we let somebody go who did so well in the 2003 draft? Welcome to endless sleepless nights, Mr. Perry. No one knows who you'll take at number 2, and it's up to you to figure it out. If that weren't enough strife, now you have to deal with Robert Swift, and some Stallions weren't meant to be tamed.

Joe Dumars to NBA: No More Foreigners



Auburn Hills, MI - Following his trade of Carlos Delfino to a team located in a different country, Pistons President Joe Dumars reiterated his "no more foreigners" policy.

"I will not rest," said Dumars, "until the Pistons organization becomes a truly American organization."


Dumars, hating foreigners.

With trades last year of Darko Milicic and Carlos Arroyo, Dumars is continuing his "holy war" against players born far from our shores.

"I will not stop until foreign floppings are erased from the Earth."

"Or at least until they become technical fouls."

Matt Bonner: NBA Champion

Sportsguy to host David Stern

On Thursday afternoon, NBA commissioner David Stern will be Bill Simmons' guest on his weekly podcast.



If you'd like to ask the commish a question -- and please, no joke questions -- send us an e-mail with "Stern Podcast" in the subject heading. And please make sure to include your full name and hometown. Thanks.

To: sportsguy@ESPN.com

From: shineytiney@yahoo.com

Subject: Stern Podcast





Dear David,



Will you resign?

Please?



Love,

Tiny (Silver Bullet Offices, Detroit)



PS. This is not a joke.

7000 Seagulls Bear Witness to Justin Verlander No Hitter

37 fans ejected for saying "No Hitter" out loud. 59 more ejected for looking at Verlander.

In other news, Rod Allen beat Mario Impemba within an inch of his life for referring to Verlander by name during attempted no-hitter. As of yet, police are not pressing charges, nor admitting that the incident took place, or that there is a baseball team in Detroit called "The Tigers".

SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS

PARIS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS ...no hitter?... SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS

PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON

PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON ...sports?... PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON

On "The Dan Patrick Show", Keith Olbermann just said Star Wars is overrated and that Mexican wrestling movies are great.

MEH.

and

+

=



and, ultimately...

not cool. very unhappy.

"Roger Clemens will have tests on his ailing groin Monday, and the New York Yankees hope he can make his first start of the season next weekend."

Remembering Dr. Z



The 2006 baseball season was a magical one for Tigers fans for many reasons: the playoff sweep of the A's, Zumaya's 100+ mph fastball, "gum time," Monroe's late game heroics, and for me, endless "Dear Dr. Z" commercials on FSN. The one with the kids' field trip, the inscrutable one with the soccer mom, and even the one with those Hemi dudes. Commercials that ran so often I could recite ever word, every inflection, every variation in Dr. Z's lilting German accent. I studied the soccer mom one endlessly, eventually determining that it must have been edited down from a longer version; that was the only way to account for its complete lack of a punchline.

But as quickly and as forcefully as they entered my life, they were gone. And now, with Chrysler being split from the DaimlerChrysler group, I fear we will never see Dr. Z again. All that's left now are Comerica's numbing "successful entrepreneur" commercials.

Where are you Dr. Z? I need you.

Michigan House Passes Bill Forbidding Tigers to Lose



The Michigan House of Representatives approved a bill late Saturday night that makes it a felony for the Detroit Tigers to not reach the playoffs during the 2007 Major League Baseball season.

“We can’t pass a budget, the state is deeply in debt, unemployment is on the rise, and gas prices are at an all time high,” said Speaker of the House Andy Dillon. “The Red Wings and Pistons are out of the playoffs, and the Lions are contractually obligated to lose this season. The Tigers are all the state of Michigan has left.”

The bill authorizes law enforcement officials to take “all necessary and prudent action” to ensure the Tigers achieve at least a wild card spot in the American League.

“We’re still discussing it amongst the team, but we have several strategies in the works to comply with the law,” said manager Jim Leyland.

Governor Jennifer Granholm is expected to sign the bill on Monday.

Report: Billy Donovan Having 2nd Thoughts About Ordering Oatmeal For Breakfast, Attempting to Have Muffin Instead



Billy Donovan might not be done with muffins after all. FoxSports.com, citing two anonymous sources, reported Sunday night that Donovan was having second thoughts about oatmeal and was attempting to return to eating muffins.

Donovan agreed to have oatmeal on Thursday, but FoxSports.com reported that he has approached the restaurant's manager about getting out of the deal.

According to one of the sources, the waitress forced Donovan to make a rash decision.

Fuck You, Ohio

As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate Ohio before, now I have this to think about. Some other reasons I hate Ohio:





Ohio State.





Sarah Jessica Parker

Apparently, she's from Ohio. Everyone who's ever heard me talk knows that I would rather have my eyes stung by scorpions than see 'Sex In the City' again. I would just go gay so that I wouldn't ever have to see it again, but surprisingly, the gays watch it as well.

From the parts I saw when blood stopped shooting out of my eyes, this show seems to be about sluts who complain about the assholes they are 'dating' because they are assholes.







Ohio can be blamed for electing the worst president in America's history not once, but twice.





The Rock and Roll Hall of fame is in Ohio? That makes sense. The Raspberries are from Cleveland! I love that Zombie song!







That thing of which we will not speak it's name.

And now I have this to think about. Nothing I love better than sitting in a bar and pouting all night. Thanks to Girl #1 for trying (and failing) to cheer me up by getting really, really drunk.

Rough and Ready



Hold off the Piston funeral precedings for now. Anybody who has gone through the dramatic implausibility of watching this team come back series after series over the last couple of years knows that this team is only happy backed into a corner. Every article you read ordaining Lebron James the new king stirs a little more fire.
Everyone is so thrilled to see the Pistons usher in a new era like they did with Jordan, they seem to have forgotten that the Cavs have yet to seal the deal. This dog is notorious for being dangerous when it's hurt, and Cleveland is about to get bit. Cleveland is going to wish they stopped trying to turn Quicken Loans Arena into the Palace when they're getting beat like they're on the road. Book it.