Toughest Job Ever

Apparantly, the Piston's director of player personnel Scott Perry has left town for the Sonics. How could we let somebody go who did so well in the 2003 draft? Welcome to endless sleepless nights, Mr. Perry. No one knows who you'll take at number 2, and it's up to you to figure it out. If that weren't enough strife, now you have to deal with Robert Swift, and some Stallions weren't meant to be tamed.

Joe Dumars to NBA: No More Foreigners



Auburn Hills, MI - Following his trade of Carlos Delfino to a team located in a different country, Pistons President Joe Dumars reiterated his "no more foreigners" policy.

"I will not rest," said Dumars, "until the Pistons organization becomes a truly American organization."


Dumars, hating foreigners.

With trades last year of Darko Milicic and Carlos Arroyo, Dumars is continuing his "holy war" against players born far from our shores.

"I will not stop until foreign floppings are erased from the Earth."

"Or at least until they become technical fouls."

Matt Bonner: NBA Champion

Sportsguy to host David Stern

On Thursday afternoon, NBA commissioner David Stern will be Bill Simmons' guest on his weekly podcast.



If you'd like to ask the commish a question -- and please, no joke questions -- send us an e-mail with "Stern Podcast" in the subject heading. And please make sure to include your full name and hometown. Thanks.

To: sportsguy@ESPN.com

From: shineytiney@yahoo.com

Subject: Stern Podcast





Dear David,



Will you resign?

Please?



Love,

Tiny (Silver Bullet Offices, Detroit)



PS. This is not a joke.

7000 Seagulls Bear Witness to Justin Verlander No Hitter

37 fans ejected for saying "No Hitter" out loud. 59 more ejected for looking at Verlander.

In other news, Rod Allen beat Mario Impemba within an inch of his life for referring to Verlander by name during attempted no-hitter. As of yet, police are not pressing charges, nor admitting that the incident took place, or that there is a baseball team in Detroit called "The Tigers".

SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS

PARIS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS ...no hitter?... SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS SOPRANOS

PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON

PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON ...sports?... PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON PARIS HILTON

On "The Dan Patrick Show", Keith Olbermann just said Star Wars is overrated and that Mexican wrestling movies are great.

MEH.

and

+

=



and, ultimately...

not cool. very unhappy.

"Roger Clemens will have tests on his ailing groin Monday, and the New York Yankees hope he can make his first start of the season next weekend."

Remembering Dr. Z



The 2006 baseball season was a magical one for Tigers fans for many reasons: the playoff sweep of the A's, Zumaya's 100+ mph fastball, "gum time," Monroe's late game heroics, and for me, endless "Dear Dr. Z" commercials on FSN. The one with the kids' field trip, the inscrutable one with the soccer mom, and even the one with those Hemi dudes. Commercials that ran so often I could recite ever word, every inflection, every variation in Dr. Z's lilting German accent. I studied the soccer mom one endlessly, eventually determining that it must have been edited down from a longer version; that was the only way to account for its complete lack of a punchline.

But as quickly and as forcefully as they entered my life, they were gone. And now, with Chrysler being split from the DaimlerChrysler group, I fear we will never see Dr. Z again. All that's left now are Comerica's numbing "successful entrepreneur" commercials.

Where are you Dr. Z? I need you.

Michigan House Passes Bill Forbidding Tigers to Lose



The Michigan House of Representatives approved a bill late Saturday night that makes it a felony for the Detroit Tigers to not reach the playoffs during the 2007 Major League Baseball season.

“We can’t pass a budget, the state is deeply in debt, unemployment is on the rise, and gas prices are at an all time high,” said Speaker of the House Andy Dillon. “The Red Wings and Pistons are out of the playoffs, and the Lions are contractually obligated to lose this season. The Tigers are all the state of Michigan has left.”

The bill authorizes law enforcement officials to take “all necessary and prudent action” to ensure the Tigers achieve at least a wild card spot in the American League.

“We’re still discussing it amongst the team, but we have several strategies in the works to comply with the law,” said manager Jim Leyland.

Governor Jennifer Granholm is expected to sign the bill on Monday.

Report: Billy Donovan Having 2nd Thoughts About Ordering Oatmeal For Breakfast, Attempting to Have Muffin Instead



Billy Donovan might not be done with muffins after all. FoxSports.com, citing two anonymous sources, reported Sunday night that Donovan was having second thoughts about oatmeal and was attempting to return to eating muffins.

Donovan agreed to have oatmeal on Thursday, but FoxSports.com reported that he has approached the restaurant's manager about getting out of the deal.

According to one of the sources, the waitress forced Donovan to make a rash decision.

Fuck You, Ohio

As if I didn't have enough reasons to hate Ohio before, now I have this to think about. Some other reasons I hate Ohio:





Ohio State.





Sarah Jessica Parker

Apparently, she's from Ohio. Everyone who's ever heard me talk knows that I would rather have my eyes stung by scorpions than see 'Sex In the City' again. I would just go gay so that I wouldn't ever have to see it again, but surprisingly, the gays watch it as well.

From the parts I saw when blood stopped shooting out of my eyes, this show seems to be about sluts who complain about the assholes they are 'dating' because they are assholes.







Ohio can be blamed for electing the worst president in America's history not once, but twice.





The Rock and Roll Hall of fame is in Ohio? That makes sense. The Raspberries are from Cleveland! I love that Zombie song!







That thing of which we will not speak it's name.

And now I have this to think about. Nothing I love better than sitting in a bar and pouting all night. Thanks to Girl #1 for trying (and failing) to cheer me up by getting really, really drunk.

Rough and Ready



Hold off the Piston funeral precedings for now. Anybody who has gone through the dramatic implausibility of watching this team come back series after series over the last couple of years knows that this team is only happy backed into a corner. Every article you read ordaining Lebron James the new king stirs a little more fire.
Everyone is so thrilled to see the Pistons usher in a new era like they did with Jordan, they seem to have forgotten that the Cavs have yet to seal the deal. This dog is notorious for being dangerous when it's hurt, and Cleveland is about to get bit. Cleveland is going to wish they stopped trying to turn Quicken Loans Arena into the Palace when they're getting beat like they're on the road. Book it.

Wolf Out!!



Last timeout of regulation in the Eastern Conference Finals, Game 5, inside the Cav's huddle:
Drew Gooden: What's the plan, coach?
Mike Brown: (sweating, teeth chattering) Well...uh...p-p-plan...(nervously eyes LeBron)
LeBron James: Give me the ball. I will make every basket, and I will score ALL the points while y'all stand back and bask in my greatness.
Anderson Varejao: Shfuglidh! Flikkk! Cujjj, cujj, cujj!!
MB: You'll take the b-b-ball? Every t-t-t-t-
LBJ: EVERY TIME.
DG: The "Teen Wolf" play? LET IT RAIN!!!!
LBJ: The. "Teen Wolf". Play.
AV: Snarf!! Snarf!! Snarf!!

Cleveland Bombed Back Into Stone Age

Head of Drew Carrey placed on pike.



In an unrelated story, nothing happened in sports yesterday.