Thank you and welcome to the first annual Silver Bullet NBA awards. Now that we've all seen how well Trumpetwool and I clean up, I'd like to publicly apologize for Vance Astro's savage attack on Joan Rivers. He'll be back from "Hawaii" and posting again soon. As for Joan, believe me, her arms will grow back. As for Zenitram and Machete- way to wear a shirt. We even brought Girl #1 and Girl #2 along from TGG to assist in the judging. Holy shit. Sorry to take attention away from you, Joey Crawford, you're still the reason people tune into NBA games. That is, as soon as next year rolls around, when Joey won't be enjoying games from the comfort of his own home...
Coach of the Year
Tiny: Avery Johnson. The Mavericks might have the 5th or 6th best season all time this year. Plus he got Nowitzki and Stackhouse to switch egos. Sorry, Machete, I know you're afraid of 'the little people'.
Machete: Mike D'Antoni, with apologies to Sam Mitchell. Mitchell did a great job with the Raptors this year, but people forget how many balls D'Antoni is juggling. Marion is a borderline head case and Stoudemire has one of the biggest egos in the league. Look at how many guys on that team were also-rans until D'Antoni got a hold of them and turned them into the most potent offense in the history of the NBA. I said it.
Zenitram: Doc Rivers "I love the ball movement." I think the entire city of Boston would love to move his balls.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace
Girl #2: Doc Rivers = Durant or Oden
Trumpetwool: Diana Ross
Defensive Player of the Year
Zenitram: Ben Wallace. (Bigger media market? Sounds like somebody's going to win some more awards!)
Machete: Tim Duncan- changes every play he's on the court for.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Girl #2: Tayshaun, just for that block in 2004.
Trumpetwool: Carmelo Anthony
Tiny: Ruben Patterson's Lawyer (way to keep Ruben's repeated domestic abuse cases out of the paper!)
Most Improved Player:
Zenitram: How is this not Tony Allen?
Machete: Deron Williams, with apologies to David Lee. If you care about basketball, you should make a concerted effort to watch Williams and Lee ply their crafts. Straight up love of the game.
Tiny: Deron Williams.
Girl #2: Darko Darko Darko! or I mean, Okur - the one we should have kept!
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Trumpetwool: Shaq.
Rookie of the Year:
Tiny: Brandon Roy (BOOOring)
Machete: Brandon Roy, though I have a feeling Bargnani will end up being the better player, Roy is better right now.
Trumpetwool: Greg Oden
Girl#1: Rasheed Wallace
Girl #2: A tie between Adam Morrison's dirty stache and J.J. Redicks DUI - just like the old college days.
Zenitram: Carrot Top (created by Tiny, in order to bring him down to "our level" in NBA2K7.)
Sixth Man:
Girl #2: McDyess is money.
Machete: Barbosa. Bonus points for actually being a sixth man.
Tiny: I don't care. Not Flip Murray?
Zenitram: Posthumously, Leandro Barbosa. We still miss your smile.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Trumpetwool: Jimmy Walker Blue.
(Not to be confused with Jimmy Walker Black.)
MVP:
Tiny: Dirk.
Zenitram: Dirk AKA Frankenstein's Monster.
Girl #2: Kobe Bryant because (shock) he is actually the best player in the league.
Machete: T-Mac. Plays within a system and welcomes other talent (unlike Kobe), Steps up when it matters, mean killer instinct.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Trumpetwool: Sanjaya.
Playoff Predictions:
Tiny: Pistons over the Mavs (Rasheed Wallace is the only player in the league who can defend Dirk Nowitzki, if the Mavs can get by the Spurs.)
Machete:
Eastern Champs: Pistons (Assuming Rasheed decides to try and that the refs can't more blatantly jock Wade and Riles than they did last year.)
Western Champions: Spurs
NBA Champions: Spurs
Girl #2: Pistons show Dallas the real D.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Trumpetwool:
Eastern Conference Champions: Real World
Western Conference Champions: Road Rules
NBA Champions: Dallas Mavericks
Zenitram:
Eastern Conference: Detroit Pistons
Western Conference: Dallas Mavericks
NBA Champions: There's one call for us all.
Coach of the Year
Tiny: Avery Johnson. The Mavericks might have the 5th or 6th best season all time this year. Plus he got Nowitzki and Stackhouse to switch egos. Sorry, Machete, I know you're afraid of 'the little people'.
Machete: Mike D'Antoni, with apologies to Sam Mitchell. Mitchell did a great job with the Raptors this year, but people forget how many balls D'Antoni is juggling. Marion is a borderline head case and Stoudemire has one of the biggest egos in the league. Look at how many guys on that team were also-rans until D'Antoni got a hold of them and turned them into the most potent offense in the history of the NBA. I said it.
Zenitram: Doc Rivers "I love the ball movement." I think the entire city of Boston would love to move his balls.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace
Girl #2: Doc Rivers = Durant or Oden
Trumpetwool: Diana Ross
Defensive Player of the Year
Zenitram: Ben Wallace. (Bigger media market? Sounds like somebody's going to win some more awards!)
Machete: Tim Duncan- changes every play he's on the court for.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Girl #2: Tayshaun, just for that block in 2004.
Trumpetwool: Carmelo Anthony
Tiny: Ruben Patterson's Lawyer (way to keep Ruben's repeated domestic abuse cases out of the paper!)Most Improved Player:
Zenitram: How is this not Tony Allen?
Machete: Deron Williams, with apologies to David Lee. If you care about basketball, you should make a concerted effort to watch Williams and Lee ply their crafts. Straight up love of the game.
Tiny: Deron Williams.
Girl #2: Darko Darko Darko! or I mean, Okur - the one we should have kept!
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Trumpetwool: Shaq.
Rookie of the Year:
Tiny: Brandon Roy (BOOOring)
Machete: Brandon Roy, though I have a feeling Bargnani will end up being the better player, Roy is better right now.
Trumpetwool: Greg Oden
Girl#1: Rasheed Wallace
Girl #2: A tie between Adam Morrison's dirty stache and J.J. Redicks DUI - just like the old college days.
Zenitram: Carrot Top (created by Tiny, in order to bring him down to "our level" in NBA2K7.)
Sixth Man:
Girl #2: McDyess is money.
Machete: Barbosa. Bonus points for actually being a sixth man.
Tiny: I don't care. Not Flip Murray?
Zenitram: Posthumously, Leandro Barbosa. We still miss your smile.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Trumpetwool: Jimmy Walker Blue.
(Not to be confused with Jimmy Walker Black.)
MVP:
Tiny: Dirk.
Zenitram: Dirk AKA Frankenstein's Monster.
Girl #2: Kobe Bryant because (shock) he is actually the best player in the league.
Machete: T-Mac. Plays within a system and welcomes other talent (unlike Kobe), Steps up when it matters, mean killer instinct.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Trumpetwool: Sanjaya.
Playoff Predictions:
Tiny: Pistons over the Mavs (Rasheed Wallace is the only player in the league who can defend Dirk Nowitzki, if the Mavs can get by the Spurs.)
Machete:
Eastern Champs: Pistons (Assuming Rasheed decides to try and that the refs can't more blatantly jock Wade and Riles than they did last year.)
Western Champions: Spurs
NBA Champions: Spurs
Girl #2: Pistons show Dallas the real D.
Girl #1: Rasheed Wallace.
Trumpetwool:
Eastern Conference Champions: Real World
Western Conference Champions: Road Rules
NBA Champions: Dallas Mavericks
Zenitram:
Eastern Conference: Detroit Pistons
Western Conference: Dallas Mavericks
NBA Champions: There's one call for us all.
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